Archive for the ‘Veganism’ Category

Stupid Fucking Vegan

Posted: November 3, 2012 in Veganism

… is one of my favorite songs ever, by one of my favorite bands ever, the Queers. Over a decade later, I find myself at odds with this, as a staunch advocate of a vegan diet.  Whatever though.  Things shouldn’t fit nicely in boxes.

i do not own the rights to this image. ive borrowed it to make a point.


I feel the need to document my entry into this plant-based lifestyle. If you’re gonna get butthurt over my refusal to inconvenience animals for food then don’t bother reading this.  Also, I’m not going to argue with anyone on here. If you think your current diet makes you feel good, then I am happy for you.

My family comes from many farms.  Literally every single extended family member I have.  Many of these are farms with cows.  Farms with fridges full of stuff from these cows. Farms in towns where the word ‘vegan’ likely isn’t uttered a single time throughout the course of any given decade.  On the census report, under population statistics, vegans would be right there with non-white residents at 0.0%

again, not my picture. I do not possess any rights to this. But it sure is fuckin cute.

Because of this family history, the idea of eating something that DIDN’T come from animals while growing up never even occurred to any of us.  Literally.  Everything had butter or milk on it.  If it didn’t, then it was flesh of some sort.  I recall nights of sitting down at the table and eating an entire loaf of white bread smeared with butter.  This always went nicely with my pork chops and mushroom gravy.  I never asked questions about what I was eating, and I have to believe that most people my age don’t.  Why?  The shit tastes good.  Perhaps life has changed in the average household, but back then I had no reason to ever question what was put in front of me.  Even when I’d become so chronically sick in my body and my mind that I spent years at a time either believing that I was on the brink of death or wishing that I was dead, I never once asked about the shit that I put in my body.  Why would I?  My parents are amongst the finest people in the world.  The all-seeing, all-knowing providers of my life.  They would never steer me in the wrong direction.

Not intentionally, anyhow.

My parents didn’t know any better.  None of us did.  It simply didn’t matter that the entire family was suffering from some sort of considerable illness and chronically using numerous prescription drugs. This is America, after all.  Land of the fat.  Land of the happily blind.  Land of the people who have become so detached from reality that they actually think that they DON’T feel like shit all the time. People are miserable and dying and don’t even notice.  Charles Baudelaire said it best, “the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he did not exist.”  The genocide has been happening for the better part of a century. What was to be expected from the union of food and politics?  I don’t have time to explain that relationship in the blog, but I assure you, Adolf Hitler doesn’t have shit on the Standard American Diet.  Industry and Food should not have ever begun holding hands.  Do your own research.  Allow your mind to open up so that it can be blown to pieces.  Oh wait, back to veganism…

I believe veganism to be the finest particular dietary lifestyle that has ever appeared in the first world. To take it one step further, Low Fat Raw Veganism trumps even that in terms of unleashing the human potential for well-being.  Raw is not a lifestyle for me though, as it has been in the past.  Raw veganism is a Jacuzzi that i sit in sometimes to get back on track.  The fact that I lack the discipline to engage this lifestyle full-time certainly won’t prevent me from talking about it.

Additionally, regarding the plant-based lifestyle, there is no amount of arguing that is going to change my mind about this.  No amount of industry funded studies will convince me that I need to even keep the word protein in my vocabulary.  Naturally, as a vegan, I deal with a fair amount of “where do you get your protein?”


I’m also not in the mood to blog about amino acids and the reality of what your body does with them once they’re ingested.  What I will say, is that since abandoning the idea that I need a certain amount of protein in my diet I have seen only improvements in my overall physical health.  Additionally, my digestive system thanks me every day.  Sometimes two or three times a day.  Don’t listen to me and decide if I’m right.  Don’t listen to your nursing school friend that swears up and down that you will turn yellow and die if you stop killing animals for food.  Don’t listen to anyone.  Listen to your body.  Its my humble and untrained yet vastly experienced opinion, that it would be best for you (if you suffer from diet related health issues), to just for one month, assume that you have been lied to by the forces of industry since the day you picked up a spoon.  Eat an abundance of plant food for a month (without calorie deficiency!!!!!) and see if it makes you feel better.  Your body will possibly take time to adjust to this.  You may even feel like shit.  Deal with it.  You’ve felt like shit for a long time, you probably just forgot what it’s like to feel good.  Or don’t.  I don’t really care too much.  There are certainly ways to obtain a great degree of health without living off plant foods.  I’ve simply never found one.  And I’ve subjected myself to some fairly extreme things over the last 28 years.

The thing that has been most alarming to me over the last couple of years, is the extent to which so many non-vegan folks are offended by my lifestyle.  I attribute much of this to guilt, or perhaps to jealousy, but much of it also to ignorance.  I generally don’t insult the dietary lifestyles of others.  Sometimes I am shocked into questioning the train of thought of a person so fat they cant stand up without puking, yet would climb Mount Doom for a piece of pizza, but generally, if you’re eating what I believe to be shit, I keep to myself about it.  But if i had a nickel for every time someone insulted me for eating ‘rabbit food’ or telling me that veganism is for pussies, then I’d surely have enough money to get that fucking tree off my roof.

Just as shocking, is the amount of times I’ve sat down at a dinner table where people are eating steroid injected meat containing some MASSIVE percentage of a flavoring solution (because your meat is colorless and flavorless without these things), and had someone look at my tofu or tempeh or seitan and say something to the effect of, “eww, it looks so gross.  The texture is so gross.”  THINK ABOUT HOW FUCKING STUPID THIS SOUNDS.  You’re telling me that my plant-based patty is gross while stuffing your face with a stew of connective tissue, ligaments, tendons, fat and meat scraped off of a bone of an animal that probably lived knee deep in the feces of its peers.  Tofu is SOOO gross!!!

Lastly, my initial foray into this whole thing was not health related. I kept watching my dogs and cats sleep in piles of each other and learn behaviors from each other, and defend one another.  It seems reasonable to think that if such feeble-minded creatures can learn to exist without inconveniencing each other (by using available resources) then humans should be no different.

i do own this one. these are my favorite feet warmers. in the event of a catastrophe i would not eat them for food. I would feed myself to them.